Do I help or not? Enabling vs. Assistance
As we mentioned, it's difficult to know when enabling begins and helping ends. Ultimately, each person has to ultimately decide that for themselves. But if you are considering helping someone get started, then here is some input based on our experience.
1. Do nothing you're not comfortable doing:
Alcoholics/addicts are excellent at manipulation, guilt tripping, etc. and not only judge themselves on their intentions, but expect everyone else to do the same rather than judging them on their actions. So only do what you can be comfortable doing. They are no longer your responsibility. Your own mental and spiritual health IS your responsibility, so make sure you are taking care of yourself in these matters first.
2. Line in the sand:
Draw a very hard line that you're 100% willing to stand behind. Example, "I will give you one last shot at trying to help you. You decide if you want that help now or at some other point. But either way, this will be the last time. What that means specifically, is that while I will always love you, I cannot continue to harm myself. So I will be willing to offer one weeks help at a time and provided I receive an excellent report from Into Action, then I will provide another one week of assistance. However, this will only occur for a very limited amount of time based on input from Into Action. And if I do not receive an excellent report, then you will no longer receive any assistance from me. Further, whichever way you decide and regardless of what occurs, I will not be able to give you any money, shelter, or any other assistance you may seek either now or in the future. So this is your ONE shot. I only want you to use it now if you are truly at your bottom. So please think about it well and decide if you are truly at your bottom or not and whether you wish to use that one 'last shot' now or later.
3. Use your judgement:
If you don't think they're serious, then listen to the gut feeling. Inversely, if you feel they are, then listen to that as well.
4. Pre-conditions:
Before you agree to assisting them in any way, we will all have a conversation in which expectations are clearly laid out and agreed to.
5. Weekly Follow Up:
Each week Into Action will communicate with you to determine if the member is holding up his end of the arrangement (or not).
1. Do nothing you're not comfortable doing:
Alcoholics/addicts are excellent at manipulation, guilt tripping, etc. and not only judge themselves on their intentions, but expect everyone else to do the same rather than judging them on their actions. So only do what you can be comfortable doing. They are no longer your responsibility. Your own mental and spiritual health IS your responsibility, so make sure you are taking care of yourself in these matters first.
2. Line in the sand:
Draw a very hard line that you're 100% willing to stand behind. Example, "I will give you one last shot at trying to help you. You decide if you want that help now or at some other point. But either way, this will be the last time. What that means specifically, is that while I will always love you, I cannot continue to harm myself. So I will be willing to offer one weeks help at a time and provided I receive an excellent report from Into Action, then I will provide another one week of assistance. However, this will only occur for a very limited amount of time based on input from Into Action. And if I do not receive an excellent report, then you will no longer receive any assistance from me. Further, whichever way you decide and regardless of what occurs, I will not be able to give you any money, shelter, or any other assistance you may seek either now or in the future. So this is your ONE shot. I only want you to use it now if you are truly at your bottom. So please think about it well and decide if you are truly at your bottom or not and whether you wish to use that one 'last shot' now or later.
3. Use your judgement:
If you don't think they're serious, then listen to the gut feeling. Inversely, if you feel they are, then listen to that as well.
4. Pre-conditions:
Before you agree to assisting them in any way, we will all have a conversation in which expectations are clearly laid out and agreed to.
5. Weekly Follow Up:
Each week Into Action will communicate with you to determine if the member is holding up his end of the arrangement (or not).